Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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