you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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