Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize