My cat gives me a boner
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
