I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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