Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
