he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
