glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
