My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
