Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize