Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
