he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
