Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Sext me about skeletons
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
