he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
