My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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