No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
