bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
