You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
