AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
