There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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