dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
