if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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