...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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