The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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