wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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