I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
