i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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