You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
