I am midnight drunk by noon
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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