what day is it and did you see me today?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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