Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Threesome in a minivan. New low
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
