Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
