i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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