Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My hand turned me down
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just pee around me
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
