My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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