Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
