I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
