I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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