nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
