oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
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