umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize