Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize