Ambien. No doubt about it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
