he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Randomize