It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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