i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
