2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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