I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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