There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
