Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
