I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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