On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
