you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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