I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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