thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
