I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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